Monday, March 23, 2009

Friday the 13th Review: 13 Reasons to Hate Friday the 13th

Did I think that Friday 13th was going to be smart? No. Did i think Friday the 13th was going to be artistic? What? Of course not. Did I think Friday the 13th was going to be sublime in anyway? Mostly no. What's that you say? Only mostly? well, yes, i guess there has to be some reason to go and see a movie you are pretty sure is going to suck. You do hope it is going to be sublime in the following ways: Good effects, good thrills, an adrenaline rush, some shocks, some suspense, maybe even a few laughs. So i only judge them based on this. I never want anyone to accuse me of not judging horror/ slasher flicks on their terms. I know the form, i am not expecting them to transcend it. Hell, the movie just made 42 million smakaroonies this past weekend, so why ef with the formula? But here are the 13 things that i hated about this movie. They are very specific; No platitudes. I want you to actually get a sense of how incredibly incompetent this movie truly is. Lots of spoilers, but who gives a shit; there are zero surprises in this movie:

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1. flashback of what was kind of the end of the original F13 with the psychopathic mother being killed. the "hero" cuts mom's nut off, and then the camera pans down to the head, and then the next thing you see are the feet of a young Jason, picking up the machete that was used to cut off his mom's head. Like the very second, meaning that the person who cut the mom's head off (who by the way did not drop the machete), had to have still been standing right there and could have been like, "wait, what? who are you? are you Jason? jeez man, this must be weird for you? hey, by the way, if you were alive and living in your house (a stupid fact the filmmakers decided was the case when in the original series it was just an abandoned cabin) why did your mom go around killing people? Seems like that chip on her shoulder about all of us letting her son die seems kind of misguided, no?" and then he would have said, "ooga booga" because he was like a mongloid or something.

2. Campers wander into woods looking for some mystical patch of weed that was growing around dem der parts. Something they needed a GPS to find, it is very elusive. SO elusive that you can actually see houses on the other side of the lake, and there is a wide open, very suburban, shorn lawn where they end up camping. It's as if the director was like, "I got a backyard, lets just film this here" and then he was all to himself "tee hee, i can get some extra cash for the location and i am going to need that because this will be the last movie i make because i have no business making anything for any industry."

3. This one guy is talking to his nerd friend about "all this technology" and the cool guy is being distracted by his girlfriend who is behind the nerd pulling out of her blouse the ugliest pair of fake tits you will ever, ever see. You can actually see where her nipples were sewn back on. But that's not the bad part. That's the part where the asshole of a director said in his pitch meeting, "and there will be tits, like tons of tits. You know how in all of the earlier Friday movies there were always pointless scenes where girls took off their tops just so that there can be some T&A because that was the genre? well, i am going to have 11 of those to honor the number of F13 movies already made." No, the bad part is that the cool guy, who is face to face with his nerd friend is making the most egregious, over the top "i want to frick you" faces, i.e tongue licking lips, pursing his lips, pretending like he is masturbating, et al, all the while his friend is talking to him. Like, right in front of him. And the friend is none the wiser. Really? what exactly was the dramaturgical justification for purposely putting things in this movie that were just out and out stupid? This moment didn't add a thing to the movie, and if they felt we needed to see a pair of Frankenboobs, couldn't the cool guy just say, "don't look now, but my girl's got her boobies out and I want to bury my face in her boobies and i don't want to talk to you anymore because it is boobie time." i just wrote that. Didn't think about it at all. But now you think about it. if that line of dialogue was in this movie, wouldn't you have thought it was funny? You would have said, "hey, this movie is cool, it's quirky. I think i can expect something a little different."

4. Even before the opening credits, Jason kills all said campers, fine, but inexplicably leaves one alive (you only learn this by the middle of the movie, but with all the subtlety of Shaquille O'Neal's dick smacking me in the eye, you know this immediately). But the biggest question mark is, why the ef did he leave that one girl alive? He in fact not only leaves her alive, but has her chained up in the underground labyrinth beneath his house. Quite a sophisticated operation for someone so mentally challenged by the by. He does nothing with her other than to have her there. Nothing. there is absolutely no reason to have kept her alive. Zero, Zilch. He kills without remorse or a second thought, yet spares this girl's life. never knew Jason to spare a life for no purpose other than to facilitate a plot device involving that girl's brother coming to Crystal Lake to look for her.

5. That same brother goes all around town looking for his missing sister. Apparently he has been doing this for months and is starting to work the nerves of the local authorities. At one point a cop pulls him over and tells him, "look, she's not here. check another town. We had 10 of our best guys trying to crack this case and nothing. Not one clue. vets on the force. Nothing." i mean this guy goes out of his way to talk about how scrupulous their detective work was. They couldn't find anything? We learn from every other townsfolk that everyone knows about Jason, but if you leave him alone he leaves you alone. Since Jason's house is kind of out in the open, and he has apparently killed before, you'd think they would have sent a couple of guys over to his place to sniff around a bit. If they had they would have seen their bodies strewn all over the place without any effort to conceal. Jason's crime scenes are about as clean as a baby eating apple sauce using cooked spaghetti as a utensil.

6. Speaking of the "if you don't mess with him, he don't mess with you" theory that some old lady opines when the brother comes around, nothing could be further from the truth. You could suggest that the opening campers came into his backyard so that was "messing with him," but past them, he went to everyone else's pad and killed them. No one was messing with his ass. Furthermore, this guy has lived in the woods there for over 20 years, never killed a local apparently because they respected the aforementioned theorem, and those out-of-towners who have gone missing have, as one local puts it, "stay missing." Yet, completely contradictory to its own tenets that they establish, within 20 minutes he kills 3 locals who were not messing with him. One of them is how he gets his hockey mask. It would have been so easy to do this. Here's my script: Local/policeman are in cahoots with Jason like in Texas Chainsaw. Why? Because they are scared of him. He's like the boogie man. They're local rubes, so they believe in that kind of stuff, besides they might know something that we don't. You eliminate the line about "don't mess with him he don't mess with you" because it is pointless, contradictory and wrong and you're good to go. At least at that point you are as stupid as all the other movies in your genre and not more stupid.

7. There were at least 4 completely out of focus shots. At least. Not artistically out of focus, but just, "goddmann, that shot is out of focus," says dick director. "I'll set up the shot again, let's get a good one," says DP. "Nah," says douche director.

8. 6, count 'em 6, instances where women, never men, have to cover their mouths with their stupid hands to keep from letting out a scream. And these are the voluntary variety. Not the "you just jumped out at me and i involuntarily squealed" kind, but the "i am under the bed/ in the closet/pantry/ behind the car/ shower curtain/ stuffed animal and i see your feet looking for me and i just can't keep my stupid yapper shut, so i literally have to put both, not one, but both hands for extra security over my mouth to keep quiet. This is how incredibly pathetic me and my entire sex are." Calling all horror directors: Can we please put a moratorium on this?

9. Jason is seriously the most skilled killer you will ever encounter. The man is like a Navy Seal, Ninja and Chuck Norris all rolled up in one. He can kill anyone in anyway. He kills one guy who is driving a speedboat by putting an arrow that he shoots from 200 yards away through his eye. Again, through his eye. The speedboat is weaving in and out to give the person he is pulling water skiing a better ride. Then Arrow. Through the eye. dead. 200 yards away. speed boat. maybe going 40 mph. weaving.

10. The Asian guy doesn't always have to be comic relief. I know you want one of each, but next time can we make the Asian guy the smart, nerdy guy? It's like always making movies about the future where the president is either a woman or a black guy. Now that we have one of those, can we stop being afraid of not being PC? it is just dumb. Hey, i have an idea. if you really want to be PC why don't you make the Asian guy the lead character who saves the day? that would be trailblazing.

11. Try something at home if you live with someone. Tonight, play this game. Tell the person that you live with to hunt you down. You don't hide; you look in the bathroom mirror and constantly open it and close it. See if the person you live with can slip behind you when you open the mirror one of the times without you noticing at all so that when you close it he or she appears in the mirror and is right behind you. Now, I am sure you are saying that that is not possible, that you would certainly hear a human being squeezing in behind you, and if not, you would feel them. Now make the person you live with 6-10, 300 lbs. Do you think that is possible? yet that is what happens like three times in every horror movie. It happens ad nauseum in this piece of crap. Can we put a moratorium on this as well?

12. At the end Jason pounds the lead guys face into the windows of a bus, breaking the glass, and then moving his face to another panel and smashing his face against that panel leaving him for dead. He gets up, not a scratch on his face. Good work guys.

13. The movie ends on the dumbest note of all. Jason kills everyone except for the brother and sister who save themselves and kill Jason. Jason even killed the cop, and that is when i learned that when he said earlier that he put 10 of his best guys on the case he meant it. I thought at that moment, ah, the town is in on it, but no, he meant it. Anyway, so they kill him. Back at the house there are 6 dead twenty-somethings, a dead cop and two survivors. So instead of calling the cops and making it clear that they had nothing to do with the killings that it was this psycho, they wrap the body up in sheets, attach dead weights to it and push it into the lake. For absolutely no fricking reason. why did they do this? Why? why did they? Why did they throw his body in the lake like they were mafia hitmen? Why? Please tell me why? why didn't they call the authorities and save themselves from being suspects? why would their first instinct be, "hey, let's dump the body in the lake," why would it be? why? WHY GODDAMNIT?!

this movie is terrible.My Bloody Valentine looks genius in comparison. I take back anything negative I said about that movie. I now know how dumb, dumb can be. Sorry "My Bloody

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